Tiffany.

serviving off 3 hours of sleep is the same no matter where you do it, i hate my life. how am i so emotionally ruined? i can count on one hand the amount of people i have ever had loving feelings for, and none of them NONE are people i have been in a relationship with. i think ive slept with… one?.. of those people. I just sabotage myself” but then i date these great guys who i get along with but zip. nothing. i literally go for the people i cannot have a relationship with.
1. Luke - Yr 2 - Yr 6. The most popular guy in school, when he finaly tells me he likes me after 4 desperate years he tells me not to tell anyone, so i go tell everyone. he still doesnt talk to me 12 years later
2. Andrew - year 8. I didnt think he liked me so i gave a wristy to the guy next to me at the movies, then Andrew came and sat with me, asked me out. he found out the next day and dumped me.
3. Sean - very brief relationship of sorts this time, we met at a party, he was one of the more popular guys again, great looking. everything i could ever want. we spend an amazing night together (without having sex!) then we part ways, we keen in contact, then one night we go to a party together, i see him leaving with another girl so i figure wow he doesnt like me. so i went and hooked up with one of my friends, shit happend. then found out their friends. oops didnt tell anyone. then i go back to seans and he tells me that it was just one of his chick friends and that it was nothing and that he liked me. So i stayed there made out didnt have sex, was amazing. Then a few days later he calles me and says “you gave head to ben then kissed me?” so that was the end of that.
(Now the Next guy was Grant, now this guy actually wanted me for a ges but i fucked it up once i foundout i wanted him.)
4. Grant  - we met when last year (2011) at the pub i used to frequent way to often, he was some dorky metal kiwi who always hasstled me for my number and to hang out and get on it, then one night we did. it was amazing. he did actually sleep together (score) so we kept sleeping together, nothing ever really came of it even tho my feelings were growing more and more, i became one of those possesive little girls, made me sick but i couldnt help it, i needed to know where and what he was doing. one night we were together getting drunk, i hit him in my face. so that was the end of that. first person i ever punched in the face. pretty proud of myself. he didnt see it like that. well now that ive moved out of that hosue and moved away aprently he’s been going back around, the first tiem he was looking for me then the other times he been harrassing my hosuemate who is a blond pretty thing, so i supose its a good thing i left that behind. or he left me behind..
5. now this has only happend over the last 24 hours. This is a guy who i have knowen for atleast 10 years, we have been best friends, we have hated each other, we’ve been thru it all.
Taylor - so we started speecking yesturday, i knew he had a girlfriend. shes away for 5 weeks tho. we got pretty hot and heavey, this is all over skype, hes in sydney 6 hours away. It was instense, we talked about how much we used to live each other but we never did anything, we talked about my failed relationship and what im soing back at my parents, we sent each other photos and played on webcam. it was awsome. then the relisation of him being in a 2 year relationship with a girl who he has a home with and works with sunk in, and they were never going to break up. so then the dilema. become the home wrecker, wich he would happily help me become, over and over again according to him. or just stay away? but i cant, i really cant. i have a craving to impress him. im turning into that little girl again. not to mention the fact that i just came out of a long relationship and had to move back to my parents place because i had no money and nowhere to live and needed tos ort my head out and be single for a while. seriously this is fucked up? considering smashing my laptop and severing all outside contact!

Met a guy, a guy i went to school with… this could turn out weird…lots of things turning me on right now..

Well woke up late, didnt sleep well last night. well i did sleep well i just didnt go to sleep for a while…still getting caught up in Eat Love Pray. Should probly get the book. ive gotten nearly everything out of the movie…I dunno. i woke up late… now im just hanging out with dad. Found out one of my best friends has moved back in this hole aswell. and he knows people soo life here might pick up a little. i looked at tafe shit, some courses i like. might just do my diploma fir fine arts. or i can do a visual arts. i dont like art history much. i dunno. tomorrow im going to go to BP and my old job back and open up a travel account. cant wait :/

Woke up, alone… still need to get used to that. my brothers old room, his old bed. felt so out of place. nothing is mine. i still havnt unpacked my car with all my crap. so literally nothing in this house is mine.
way to throw away 2 years of my life. i could just burn my car now and everything inside of it and not care.
My mums cleaning out my old room that i left behind when i was 18. nice reality slap in the face. two gigantic step backwards. she’s been using it as a studio while dad builds her one out side of the house. She told me i could move into that when its finished and she’ll just keep her shit in the house. she has 3 rooms for it. i’ll pay her rent weekly. good luck making her stick to her word on that one tho. shes been wanted that thing for years.
went down to Fishermans Reach with dad. forgot how derrelict this place was. Saw the yacht. maybe i could live on that?…. i’ll ask dad. knowing my luck it will sink and i’ll get eating by sharks.
im going back to bed….
Fuck my life.

Arriving late last night, playing on the computer, watching shit on my laptop & not being able to sleep until 3am was just like every other time i come and visit my parents in their 60 acre bush property, 45 minutes from any civilisation. But this time the impending doom of knowing that im back here for good made me even more jetlagged.
Ive moved back in with my parents, after a nasty break up, a nasty lifestyle and two empty pockets. Im going to attempt to pick my life back up off the ground, start writing again, start painting agian, Get a job, maybe finish my diploma. do a tafe course…Welfare?
This is my first blog, i bet you any money it doesnt pass 4 days. Well this is my Day #1.

Im probly the most Liberal person you will meet, never cared for racism, but when people are calling it ‘Invasion Day’? I get offended.  Try and find out where my Nan’s family comes from, or where half of them are now. Because they dont know. One her relatives got taken from England, and his family for stealing some food for them. Got put on foregin soil and told to hate the natives. The people who made them do that are now dead and w’eve been apolagising for much to long. Why burn the australian flag, no-one cares if your black or white, if you talk australian on australia day your australian. So you burn the flag? whos being racist now? I know for a fact that there are hundreds of aborigonal families who are begging the white organisations (who have raised this money) to build them houses for their familys because they cannot do it themselves, and yet we have people saying that we have ‘stolen their land’, hugse amounts of tribes in the middle of aus still have their land and they want other people to build them homes on them for their familes. Why burn the flag of the people trying to help. Just starting a race war.